At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
