I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
