Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
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girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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