you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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