the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
