i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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