after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
