i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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