I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
