I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
