I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize