An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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