I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
