I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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