life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
