you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
