There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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