Apparently you make a good broom.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
