I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
