I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
