When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
