Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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