i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
