Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
