My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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