I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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