coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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