we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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