you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
