M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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