Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
