I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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