The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
