My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
