Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
