just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So many bounce houses so little time
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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