I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm bleeding and have questions
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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