the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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