Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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