Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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