If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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