The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
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I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.