If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
