lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize