I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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