She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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