i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
