I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
