you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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