Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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