he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
