Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
