I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
