So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
