just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
