90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
