Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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