Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
