I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
