stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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